Principle 1: Don't Criticize, Condemn, or Complain
World famous psychologist B.F. Skinner proved that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much faster and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.
Everyone wants to feel important/ wanted. Criticizing someone is not only fruitless, it will put him on the defensive, hurt his sense of pride, and even arouse resentment. Instead of criticizing, try to understand why people do what they do.
- People hardly ever criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong they may be.
- Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.
- Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person's pride, hurts his sense of importance (everyone wants to feel important/wanted) and arouses resentment.
- People change from positive reinforcement not punishment for bad things.
- By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.
Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to figure out why they do what they do. That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.
Practice Principle 1
Do you know someone you would like to change in some way? When you find yourself getting caught up in other people's annoying habits or behaviors, think of a few reasons they might be acting the way they are.
Say to yourself, "I should forgive them for this because …" and conclude this sentence with an open mind. You'll be in a much better position to hold back from criticizing.