Principle 13: Begin with a Friendly Way

When people are feeling upset, no amount of logic can win them over. As Abraham Lincoln says, "If you could win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his friend." Hence, start handling any situations with a kind, friendly and appreciative approach.

If we're angry or frustrated at someone and we go to them with our temper flaring, we're sure to have a fine time unloading our feelings toward them. But what about the other person? Will our belligerent tones and hostility make it easy for them to agree with us?

If we approach the other person with our fists doubled, this will only lead the other person to double his fists twice as fast. If instead we come to him and say, "Why don't we sit down and talk this through so we can understand why we disagree," we're likely to find that we're actually not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the ones on which we agree are many.

When a person feels negatively about us, we can't win him to our way of thinking with all the logic in the world. We can't force someone to agree with us, but we can lead them in that direction if we are gentle and friendly with them.

People don't want to change their minds. They can't be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly."

Practice Principle 13

When you find yourself about to scold your children, act as a domineering boss, or nag your husband or wife, try softening your approach by opening with a friendly conversation and keeping a calm tone.

Ask how your wife's work presentation went, or ask your employee for her thoughts on your last team meeting. Have at least five minutes of pleasant conversation before you bring up the issue at hand.