Principle 24: Talk About Your Own Mistakes First

When you talk about your mistakes before criticizing others, you bring yourself to their level and make yourself more relatable. Regardless of whether you have already corrected your mistakes, it makes it easier for the other person to hear his faults if you start with yours.

The next step to changing people's ways without inflicting negative feelings is to admit that we are also susceptible to mistakes.

It is much easier to listen to a description of our own faults when the person criticizing begins by humbly saying that he is also far from perfect.

Carnegie gives an example of hiring his niece, Josephine, to be his secretary. Josephine made many mistakes on the job, and though Carnegie was tempted to criticize her for her flaws, he took a step back and realized that he is twice as old as Josephine and has ten thousand times her business experience. How could he possibly expect her to have his same viewpoint and judgment? He realized that Josephine was performing better than he had been at her age.

When he approached Josephine, he told her that she had made a mistake but goodness knows it was no worse than many that he himself had made. He noted that she was not born with judgment, that it comes only with experience, and that he had done many stupid things himself. "But don't you think it would have been wiser if you had done so and so?" he concluded.

Practice Principle 24

When you're about to criticize someone, ask yourself:

• "What was I like when I was that age?"
• "What was I thinking when I was at their level of experience?"

Your empathy wheels will start turning, and you'll realize that you have an opportunity to be a great mentor to this person. Try to be a positive influence. Think of yourself as your mentor instead off their boss, their friends instead of their parent.