Principle 23: Call Attention to People's Mistakes Indirectly

Rather than criticize someone directly, call indirectly to his attention the behavior that you wish him to change. This helps people - especially sensitive ones - to realize their mistake without resentment. If you praise someone before criticizing them, also be conscious to avoid the word "but" and "replace it with "and". E.g., "I'm so proud that you completed the task on time, and it would be even better if ..." This makes your praise seem sincere, rather than a manipulative way to criticize.

Most of us respond bitterly to direct criticism. When we're looking to change people without offending them or arousing resentment, simply changing one three-letter word can be our key to success.

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word "but" and their critical statement. For example, a parent trying to convince her son to care more about his school work might say, "We're really proud of you, Billy, for getting better grades this semester.But if you had worked harder in your math class, you would've done even better."

In this case, Billy might feel encouraged right up until he hears the word "but," which leads him to question the sincerity of the initial praise. The word "but" makes it seem like the praise was only a contrived lead-in to his mother's criticism.

However, this situation could easily be reversed by changing the word "but" to "and." See how different it sounds: "We're really proud of you, Billy, for getting better grades this semester, and if you continue your efforts next semester, your math grade can be up with all the others."

Now it's much easier for Billy to accept the praise, because there was no follow-up with direct criticism.

Practice Principle 23

Start swapping "but" for "and" when you deliver critical feedback, to help you frame it in a positive and uplifting way, instead of inferring failure and disapproval.