Principle 10: The Only Way to get the Best of an Argument is to Avoid it

You can never win an argument.Even if you "win" it, you still lose because you would have embarrassed someone and lost good will.

Nine times out of 10, arguing just results in the other person even more firmly convinced that he is right.

To prevent a disagreement from becoming an argument:

• Welcome the disagreement. If the other person is raising a point we haven't considered, we can be thankful it's brought to our attention. It may save us from making a mistake.
• Distrust our first instinctive impression. Our natural reaction to a disagreeable situation is to become defensive. We should keep calm and watch out for how we first react.
• Control our temper. Only negative outcomes result from a bad temper.
• Listen first. We can give our opponents a chance to talk without interrupting, and let them finish without resisting, defending, or debating.
• Look for areas of agreement. Surface those first.
• Be honest. Look for areas where we can admit error and apologize for our mistakes. This helps reduce defensiveness.
• Promise to think over our opponents' ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Thank our opponents sincerely for their interest. If they're taking the time to argue with us, they're interested in the same things we are.
• Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. In the meantime, ask ourselves honestly if our opponents might be right, or partly right.

Ben Franklin: "If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponents good will."

Practice Principle 10

Next time you find yourself in a disagreement with someone, don't respond with criticism or a negative email. Instead, sleep on it. You'd be surprised how much perspective you can gain by giving yourself a bit of time to think the situation over.